Pity Party Table for One

I have always heard that the older you get the worse birthdays are. Until this year I had never experienced that. My birthday is only 2 weeks away, and usually one of my friends asks me what I want to do or what I want. This year I had already decided that I didn't want anything materialistic. I just wanted all my friends to go out somewhere with me for one night. Whenever one of my friends birthdays came up this year I planned or helped plan the party. Even if I wasn't asked to help I at least showed up. Well, I finally got tired of waiting for someone to ask me what I wanted to do, so I called one of my friends. I simply asked her if she would want to go out the weekend before my birthday. After 12 years of being friends and having her plan my birthday every year, she apparently forgot. She made plans for that whole weekend. "No problem" I said. Then today I called another one of my friends to see if she wanted to do something. She too forgot and made plans for that same weekend. So far out of all my "friends" I have 2 that said they would like to do something. I guess times like these let you know who your real friends are. Happy birthday to me.

Damn That's Cute!

I have always been fascinated with children. Not in that Michael Jackson sort of way.(Man he's never gonna live that down) More in a respectful way. I've always loved their honesty and their imagination. I have a little boy that is about to turn three, and everyday is an adventure. He keeps me laughing all the time. The mind on this child is always working. Example: This morning we were getting ready for work/school. He was watching a cute little cartoon named "Franklin". For those of you without children, Franklin is a little turtle that has a baby bear for a best friend. Every show they have some adventure and learn some lesson. You know, typical kids show. Anyway, this morning they were sad because they let their pumpkin roll down the hill and it busted. So along comes Grandma opossum to make everything alright. We had been naming the animal as they came on the screen. My son knew all the animals except the opossum. He asked me what kind of animal it was and I told him. He looked at me with this innocent little expression and said ,"Daddy has that in his truck." Now, my ex-husband is weird, but I just couldn't imagine a opossum in his truck. I thought maybe he hit one in his truck and this was what my son was referring to. So I decided to investigate.Like a set up for a bad joke I asked,"Daddy has a opossum in his truck?"He said,"Yeah! He plays that opossum music in his truck all the time." Translation-Paul Simon. Out of the mouth of babes.

Crazy Train

Every now and then someone comes along that seems to think they are far more of a man than they really are. Take this guy Mike for instance. You can refer to the pants shitting story for more of a background on Mike. Yep, he's that guy. I have known him for about 10 years and in this time I have made it more than clear that nothing will ever happen between us. In 10 years you would think he would get the point. My best friend and I have always called him "The Man",(Kinda like calling a tall guy "Shorty" or a fat guy "Slim"),which may be to blame for his over-confidence. Regardless, he went too far this weekend and is now being "Blogged". Anyone who knows me should now know that if you fuck with me you will be made a fool on my site. Anyhoo, I was out this weekend with my brother and some friends of ours when Mike shows up with a friend of his. I tend to be a bit of a flirt from time to time and having alcohol in the picture only enhances this. I mean come on, I was with my brother, my friend Matt (who is like a brother to me), and my friend Aaron who is repulsive in an alcoholic way. I was dying to flirt with someone, Mike just happened to be the one that showed up. Back to the story, we were flirting back and forth with each other and being silly. We sat down at a table with everyone and he was rubbing my leg and putting his arm around me. Now, any other time I would have thought this to be a bit odd, but having drank more than I should, it seemed to be fine. So, here we are, when out of no where he asks,"What are you doing."  I just looked at him with this "What?" expression on my face. I replied,"Just sittin' here. What are you doing." He then went on to tell me that I was trying to sleep with him to get back at his roommate(the ex-boyfriend from my previous entries). Um...nope. I'm sorry, I am all about revenge and pissing someone off, but OH HEEEELLLLL NO! If I wanted to piss my ex-boyfriend off by sleeping with his friends I would sleep with his best friend George. Now that is some yummy man meat. I am just not into revenge sex. Even if I was I still wouldn't sleep with him. So, he gets up from the table and walks off. Here I am sitting there in my drunken stupor trying to figure out how I had been rejected by this monstrosity when I didn't even ask to be with him. When he came back to the table he made his friend sit next to me to avoid any further contact. This made me even more confused. I got up and walked over to find out when the insanity and miscommunication happened. He just hugged me and said,"Don't worry, there's still love for you."  My mouth was now hanging open in utter shock. Here is this guy that for 10 years has been hitting on me and trying to hook up. The guy that I have rejected everytime he made an advance and he had the balls to think I was trying to sleep with him. So having said that, he turned on his heels,with his nose in the air and shoulders cocked back like he had just won the greatest victory of them all, and galloped up the stairs and back to his miserable life. Any other time and I would have been able to school him on a few things, but this particular night I was out of sorts. I was finding it hard enough trying to remember what happened from one minute to the next. But, trying to come up with an ass kickin in this state was out of the question. There are very few times that I am rendered speechless and I am thankful for that, but this was not an ordinary night anyway. I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that he thought I was trying to hook up or cry because I had been rejected by McCall. Either way, I was going to find out. Later that night I walked up to Zydeco with one of my friends and Mike was there. I had it planned in my head what I would say and how wide I would rip him open. As we walked up to the door he was walking down the stairs with his friend. They had apparently gotten into a fight with some rednecks and were going to find a less hillbilly bar. Right as I open my mouth to give him the what for, he leans over and kisses my cheek and says,"Don't look so down, I still love you." What the fuck is that? Then he scampers away into the night. Man, how did he burn me twice? I have so got to get him back for this. It's a dark day when I can be struck down by the likes of Michael McCall. Revenge is mine.

What is He Doing?

Last night I decided instead of taking the interstate home form work, I'd go the back way. Needless to say, I got stuck behind this slow ass van. As I am driving behind this guy I noticed the passenger appeared to be dancing. Only this was a strange dance if that's what it was. He would lean towards the dashboard and then lean back against his seat. He did this probably about 10 times and then he would turn halfway around in his seat and look in the back of the van. Then, like a strange ritual, he would go back to this "rocking" motion. He did this the whole time I was behind them. I kept expecting some sort of reaction from the driver. Nothing. He just kept his eyes focused on the road ahead of him, never looking over at the strange behavior of his passenger. I took this to mean this was a normal habit for this guy. I'm sorry, if someone was rocking in my car, I would have to acknowledge it. I heard one time that rocking is a sign of insanity. Maybe that's where the phrase "Off their rocker" came from. Either way, I sped up to pass the first chance I got. Not only because I was afraid this guy was going to totally freak out and grab the steering wheel, but I really had to pee and they were driving way too slow. Hey, I'm all about staring at crazy people, but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Oh No He Didn't

Ya know sometimes when life has you down and you feel like there is no more funny left in the world, a ray of light beams down from the clouds and makes life a little more bearable. My ray of light came in the form of a Domino's delivery guy. I know what your thinking and you should be ashamed. This is not some lame ass porno. Anyhoo, I was sitting on my porch a few days ago with a friend of mine, when this pizza delivery guy pulls up. At first it appeared to be just any other fat,white guy in a car 3 sizes too small for him. There was nothing special about this car. It was just a beat up, faded,1980 somethin' Pontaic Sunbird. But, as he pulls up, I notice something odd around the front tire. Then,as if the God's of funny had handed me a gift and said "Here you deserve this.", I saw it. This minimum wage makin', too much pizza eatin' fool had spent his hard earned money to equip his piece of shit Sunbird with spinners! To make matters worse,(or should I say funnier), only the front passenger side one was working. Oh man, and you know I couldn't let him get away without him knowing that A) he was wrong for that and B) we were laughing histarically at him. He didn't seem amused, but at this point there was no holding back my laughter. I think at first he might have thought we were laughing at something else, but when I started pointing he caught on. As he drove away I think I caught a glimpse of a tear streaming down his cheek.This only made me laugh harder. Thank you Mr.Delivery guy for making your stupidity and pain so entertaining for me. For this I salute you.

This is Your Brain on Relationships...Any Questions?

I have come to realize that my realtionships have been alot like a drug addiction. Good at first, with thrills and excitement, but after the fact I'm sick and broke. Everytime I get out of one I say I'll never do it again. Then, before I know it I'm right back in the middle of a screwed up relationship. "Oh this guy is different. He won't hurt me like the last guy did." Well, that part is right. They never hurt me like the one before them. They find new and improved ways of shitting on me. I always thought the older I got the easier it would be to find a nice guy. You would think the "high school" mentality would be gone by the time they reach 30. Not true. By then they are so use to being single and set in their own ways that it's impossible to get them to be anything more than a dissapointment. I am officially denouncing relationships from this day forward. I don't have an addiction, I can quit at any time.

What Were We Thinking?

So,for some reason the past couple of days I have had all these childhood memories flooding back to me. Some good, some bad, some I wish had stayed repressed. One of the bad ones,which at the time sucked,but now...well it still sucks,was the "Slip-n-Slide". Now for anyone who grew up in the 80's, the "Slip-n-Slide was the shit. As I have mentioned, my family never had the money to spend on things of such great importance. Here again my Grandmother took it upon herself to try and solve this problem. One hot, summer day she got the bright idea to take piece of old linoleum and lay it in the yard with a waterhose at the top. Now, when you're 7 years old and trust everyone more than you should(especially your Grandparents)this was the greatest plan ever. However, this was no ordinary piece of linoleum. It was the clear kind with the sharp spikes on the bottom to keep it from sliding on the carpet. Old people would put it in front of their door to keep the carpet clean. Anyhoo,as I am laughing and sliding without a care in the world, the end of this death trap curled up exposing the sharp points. You can see where this is headed. Let's just say there is nothing like sliding down a wet piece of plastic on your stomach at an insane rate of speed, only to get stopped suddenly by hard plastic spikes tearing into your skin. Ya know, the more I relive these memories the more I realize that most of her "great ideas" ended in tragedy. Way to go Granny.

It's a Hand-Me-Down Christmas,Charlie Brown

I never have understood why certain memories come rushing back unexpectedly. When I was a child my Grandparents tried to give us everything we wanted. Unfortunately, we didn't come from a family with the means to supply our demand. So, my Grandmother did what she could. By this I mean theft. One year I wanted an Atari because my brother had one and rarely let me play. Instead of buying one, which I don't think she could afford, she wrapped up my brother's Atari and gave it to me for Christmas. This was a very sweet idea, and bless her heart I don't think she expected the all out war she started. My brother and I rarely handled situations in a calm manner. The smart thing would have been to give it back to him. What I did was taunt him with the fact that he now had no Atari and I did. We'll just say that the scar healed nicely. The more I think about it the more I wonder if Grandmother knew what she was doing. Hey Granny, what was in that back room? It always smelled of cigar smoke and sweaty old men. I think she may have been a part of some sick chicken-fight type gambling ring. Only, we were the chickens.

Good Times

Ya know if my life were a sitcom, it would have been canceled after the pilot. I am seriously lacking in good times lately. I haven't made an entry lately because there is nothing worth writing about. (Until now.) I still have nothing funny to say, as my life if in desperate need of some funny. I do, however, need to vent and what better way than this. I have had my share of shitty relationships, which everyone has. This last one has got to be by far the worst ever. Don't get me wrong, the actual relationship was great. Here's my problem. The guy I was dating and I spent everyday together this past weekend. As far as I could tell and from what he said to me, we were on the same page. WRONG! The last time we spoke he told me to call him on my way home. That was Sunday night. Have I spoken to him? Nope. Not because I haven't tried. At first I thought maybe something had happened to him. I got worried and kept trying to get in touch with him. Nothing. No return phone calls. So, having exhausted every other resource I went to the roommate. I know, I know. At the time it seemed like a good idea. He apparently spoke with said boyfriend and I was told to stop calling. What kind of messed up shit is that? One minute we are in our sweet little cuddly relationship, the next I was staring at the business end of a restraining order. Am I just crazy or is it him? Explain to me how someone can be nice one minute and a complete ass the next. I have witnessed some stupid things in my day, but damn. Anywho, on to the next chapter of this not so funny thing I call life. Maybe I should give up on the sitcom and go straight to SCI-FI.